All Wrapped up into Me

Loneliness Isn’t it amazing how you can be surrounded by people and still feel utterly and completely alone? You can still feel isolated and completely withdrawn, outcast as if you no longer belong. There is no crowd of people that fit inside your new world. Emptiness the feeling of emptiness forever wavering within you like a constant piercing in your heart while your heart is trying to re heal you're trying to exist but the emptiness and the loneliness fight for its place in your existence.

Trauma the trauma that damages every part of you without even realizing you began to fear everything yet nothing at all. When you don’t get that phone call or that text message, or there have been weeks since you heard from your family or friends you fear the worse. You fear the worse because you know the worst is not far. You know the worst is obtainable you have felt its grip and you know it can happen.

Isolation you tell yourself no one understands me, everyone is tired of me, everyone looks at me differently because I loss my baby, I am boring because no one can relate, eventually they will run away because the cross I carry is too heavy to bear.

Suffocation you feel like you’re constantly suffocating and trying desperately to grasp for air. You see the sky you feel the wind, but the air is too far away, your trying as hard as you can to just breathe but the suffocation won't accept the air that comes in.

Sadness the sadness that lingers around hindering you from enjoying anything other than loss. The sadness that’s sharpening that keep you living in yesteryears and dwelling on what you will never get back. The milestones that will never be reached, the words that you will never hear said. The life that you will never see her live. You look around and you see everyone else can have that, they have a daughter they have what you desire for what you long for and you're forced to sit back and watch. But not only do you have to watch you have to be apart of it and enjoy it. How dare you ruin their experience just because yours was taken away.

Acceptance you accept that this is your life, this is your new normal this is your new shoes walk proud, stand up, boast in the hands that you were dealt, and you better not let the world see you sweat. I mean somehow some way you brought this on yourself, right?

Punishment constant punishment you give yourself because this must be a punishment for something, this kind of pain is undeserving of the innocent right?

Reality the reality that no matter how bad this sounds or feels it is the reality and in that really there is perseverance and deliverance that is unbeknownst to man. The natural mind cannot fathom how is it possible for anyone to experience so much misery, so much turmoil yet feel such unspeakable internal joy in the exact same place that you are completely ripped apart there is a flashlight. There is an entirely new you being created in the exact same damaged shell and somehow they are able to coexist.

Honor My final feeling rests in honor cause above all you were mine, you were chosen to live inside of me to be carried by me to install in me a love that can’t be explained by words. Honored to feel the pain as a result of love and have your purity, being taken away at your purest form leaving an imprint on my heart, and in the world through my love for you. Honor that for every day for the rest of my existence I will do whatever it takes to see you again, to be reunited with you again. I will fulfill my purpose and I will not let you go in vain. Honor that I was saw fit to carry the cross take the beatings only to have risen into my new world my new existence where many won’t understand, or accept what is happening but that’s ok because this is who I am.