I had a harsh reality check. I realized no matter how OK I act, all the laughs, all the jokes, all the helping people. Inside I truly was not OK, am not OK. It's funny how that works because I really thought that if I said I was OK enough eventually I would really be OK. But the more I said it, the more my body, my health, and everything else began to rebel because the harsh reality is; I am not OK. I am severely damaged, broken, fearful, fragile, and lost.
I can say that now, I can write that now It's funny how that works right cause at a glance I appeared to be a super strong, powerful influential, talented woman. But in reality, I was none of those things. I am a shy timid, broken girl trying to fill the shoes of a grieving strong woman. Perception is not always reality- what I realized is I am everywhere and when I say I, I mean the broken, the damaged the fragile that puts on a mask to blend with society to appear as normal.
At this moment I realized I have 2 options
1. I can continue to spiral down until I become nonexistent neglecting myself allowing, any and every health issue to eat away at me until I'm gone.
2. I can live, not the fabricated living I been pretending to do for the last 10 years but I mean really live.
I had to realize living didn’t mean letting go, I was certain I knew that before but what I didn’t realize is saying and believing is 2 different things. It don’t matter what you force yourself to say, if in your heart you don’t believe it.
I realized that whatever wrongs I've done in my life was not a punishment for me losing my daughter. I had to let that theory go and completely forgive myself for any blame I was harboring regarding her death.
I became the biggest hypocrite ever! I encouraged life even though I was sabotaging my own. I was giving hope when I didn’t want hope, it wasn’t that I didn’t have it, I didn’t want it. I got tired of hearing your strong, Journee wants you to smile, you got kids blah blah blah. I masked it all, it was apparent no one wanted to hear the truth; what I really was experiencing was entirely way too heavy for anyone to grasp so I masked it. I told a version of the story that made people comfortable, I told a version that wouldn’t cause me to have to hear the normal clichés that people tell you cause the really don’t know how it feels. I told the version that was slowly killing me but bringing everyone else relief. This is the real face of grief, there is such a thing of broken-hearted syndrome. People, simply through emotional distress, can have a cardiac event."
I was created to be a mom, being a mom gave me life and gave me purpose. (Only those of you that know the entire story would understand that sentence). Yes, I was still a mom, but I was a mom with no living kids in my home, only surrounded by memories and photos. There were no distractions, no little human to fill in the gaps. Again, I couldn’t express the devastation of my loneliness without having to hear the clichés to get me to silence my feelings and except my life. And here we are, the loneliness took over, the empty nest begin to fill with the shattered pieces of my existence. Yes, I knew god could heal me, I believe strongly in god and I knew he could give me peace. But I didn’t want it I didn’t want to heal. Now I can say that because I am on the road to healing and recovery. To be continued...