I had a harsh reality check. I realized no matter how OK I act, all the laughs, all the jokes, all the helping people. Inside I truly was not OK, am not OK. It's funny how that works because I really thought that if I said I was OK enough eventually I would really be OK. But the more I said it, the more my body, my health, and everything else began to rebel because the harsh reality is; I am not OK. I am severely damaged, broken, fearful, fragile, and lost.
I can say that now, I can write that now It's funny how that works right cause at a glance I appeared to be a super strong, powerful influential, talented woman. But in reality, I was none of those things. I am a shy timid, broken girl trying to fill the shoes of a grieving strong woman. Perception is not always reality- what I realized is I am everywhere and when I say I, I mean the broken, the damaged the fragile that puts on a mask to blend with society to appear as normal.
At this moment I realized I have 2 options
1. I can continue to spiral down until I become nonexistent neglecting myself allowing, any and every health issue to eat away at me until I'm gone.
2. I can live, not the fabricated living I been pretending to do for the last 10 years but I mean really live.