Journee's Angel Date

I think of my life then and now. I can’t say much has changed in the grief area. Well, a lot has changed, but the feelings are still similar. Not very many days go by that don’t come with at least a few tears, anger, frustration, or anxiety. Not a moment goes by that we don’t wish we could have another chance with her…even if it’s brief. Not a moment goes by that we don’t miss her. People always say that ‘time is the healer’…. I disagree, somewhat. The more time that passes, the more we miss her, the more we wonder what she would be doing, how she would look, what her personality would be like. Over time, we watch our other kids grow and change in the pictures on the wall, but our Journee will remain at 88 days. I don’t really believe time is a ‘healer’, I think we just learn to live with the life we are given--in time.

I ‘can’ say we are surviving, and even learning to ‘live ‘again. Almost a 10 years ago, I had no idea how I would manage to accomplish ‘survival’. I was surviving breath by breath, and at times, that was a struggle. Looking five minutes ahead overwhelmed every part of my body. The pain from losing my child felt like someone literally reached in, grabbed my heart, and soul, and left me to die. I felt like an empty vessel. I felt lost…unfamiliar with my own body, as it physically ached to love and nurture this baby that I brought into the world. My breasts ached to nurse, my arms ached to hold and comfort her, my ears ached to hear her, my eyes just wanted to see her-alive. Every sense of ‘familiarity’ was ripped out from underneath us. My mind could not comprehend that the lifetime of hopes and dreams we had for her were suddenly no more, and we had no answers as to why. I still don’t understand it. I will never understand how healthy babies can go to sleep in our arms and wake up in Heaven. It will never make sense to me. Some people look at this mark as a changing point, I guess. Some think 10 years is too long to still struggle with these things. They think we should be ‘over’ it by now, and if we’re not, they don’t want to hear or know about it. Understandable for them, but unrealistic to us. I realize now, that it’s not so much the grief that I’m struggling with as we reach our 10th year…but the trauma, which now at this point, I realize are two very different things. I guess I’ve come to acceptance that the grief will always come and go, and that it’s okay to feel the things that come with it…. although, it’s draining. We feel the grief because we loved her so much, and for that, I am thankful. I am thankful for the time we were blessed with her…even though it was too short. I am thankful for the many, many lessons she taught us in her short 88 days…most importantly the lesson of how fragile our lives really are.

I no longer take any of my children’s lives for granted. I know I am not promised a tomorrow, so I better appreciate the days that I am blessed with them and make the very best of each one. I know how precious and special each of my children are. I always did…but now it’s so evident and clear to me. I know now to never go to bed without saying I lov