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I remember the very moment I found out I was pregnant again. The overwhelming feeling of oh not another one cause I already had 3 boys.
Then I remember thinking but what if it’s a girl? Will I finally get my girl? As the months went by and I anticipated on the ultrasound I remember going there thinking will it be a girl will it be a boy… although I love my boys more than life please let this be a girl.
As she begins the ultrasound, “there it is she says, would you like to know the sex?” Of course.
She says you have yourself a little girl I tried to hold in the excitement, as I sit there extremely calm planning my daughter’s future the life I thought I would have with her flashed right before my eyes. At last her first photos… they were so clear and vivid I was in love. As the months passed I grew more and more in love with my princess. I remember running back and forth to the doctor’s office just, so I can get more ultrasound images of her. Throughout the pregnancy her due date changed quite a bit. On 5.3.2009 I begin to feel mild contractions but due to so many false alarms I ignored them, woke up the next morning and went to work. By 10:00 am the pain was unbearable and went to the hospital needless to say by 2:35 pm on the 4th my little mommy was here.
I never knew a love so deep, so intense, so life changing. When I looked in the little girls eyes My heart sunk in my stomach I loved her so much, she was the perfect blend of me and her father. Everything good about us was right in front of us, in the flesh, holding our fingers tight looking in our eyes as she fed needing us not knowing it was us that needed her.
It’s amazing how much grief changes things… here I am stuck in the yesteryear's when I still had my angel; the world around me has moved on. The world I knew and the people that knew me in it still see me the same… Yet I am completely different I scream in silence gasping for air saying I am no longer me my life my heart, my passion, my goals, my inner being is all a reflection of my lost, my love, and my hope. Everything they come to know love and obsess over is still relevant. As for me the past has faded away there is only room in there for her.